like shoveling smoke

beware: a long post on my musings regarding integration, development and time. proceed at your own risk.

i wish i could make sense of the three most ambiguous challenges of being here : integration, development, and time.

integration. the buzz word of our lives here so far. our task for the summer, for the two years here, for every single day, every moment in this foreign place.

i read an excellent book titled 'shoveling smoke' by william mazzarella in a college anthropology course right before i graduated. his book is a stunning ethnographic exploration of global and local forces at work in india. what i really loved most about the work, though was the title. 'shoveling smoke,' he explains, is a label to delineate the indescribable process underway in india, a process that is as easy to confine and define as it would be to shovel smoke.

i can think of no better way to describe integration. and while i do not claim to speak for others here with me, i know this is a topic on many of our minds. if we cannot define integration, if we cannot measure it, then how do we obtain it? furthermore, how, then, do we measure effectiveness, progress, results as volunteers looking at the larger picture? i think that the answer is: we do not.

so much of our success as grassroots 'development' workers relies on our ability to become integrated, to be accepted by our host communities, to essentially become a member of the new neighborhood. maybe that is all it will ever be- 'fitting in.' but, we had flip chart after flip chart of integration tactics and methods presented to us in training, and now that information seems lost in time and so far away, irrelevant to this life here. i am at a loss as to how to approach this goal and am unsure of the timeline involved in this process.

i desire natural, organic relationships with people, not intentionally built and strategically acquired relationships that thrive on superficiality. i seek answers to the reconciliation of these two ideas but have yet to find any.

persistence, patience, perseverance, baby steps, maybe. i do not know.

it is no secret that 'development' and grassroots volunteer work requires patience. i continue to read blogs about this, each post clawing through the painstakingly lethargic process of getting various tasks done in a broad range of international fields. people who end up doing this work find themselves surrounded by understandings and appreciations for time that defy all notions of time that we have been culturally acclimated to. it is easy to say, "yes, i understand that things move at more leisurely pace, in fact, i crave that kind of life... take me there, let me help." but now that i am here, i am truly searching for the strength to find patience and peace within myself, to wipe away the guilt that my time is not being spent well as i swirl around in the violent process of slowing myself down to match the pace of those around me.

i am unsure of how to feel about the word 'development' anyway. while it is useful to describe grassroots work on a general level, part of me thinks it is an imperialistic way of classifying differences in the lives of separate cultures, of different people. it implies a value judgment that i seriously do not feel qualified to make, as if being 'developed' means a society has reached the end of the road, the point of enlightenment, completion of some kind. if we are to use this word to describe what i am doing here, then everything starts to get incredibly murky. there are people here who have more money and enjoy more privilege than i ever will see in my lifetime. and then there are those who find every meal in the trash that i throw out. how does that work?

rather, i am going to think of these dissimilarities as different directions on a level playing field. there is no question that things here are different, that they are not the conditions i would choose, that they indeed have been headed in an alternate direction for a while now. but, i just don't know if it's fair to use the word.

just as i am not sure it's fair to tell people here that their word for roma people, 'цигани,' is a racially charged, inappropriate way to refer to them. is it not possible to work towards equality by modeling alternate behaviors first? it makes me think of the struggle for words in english that have been used both to defame and to empower marginalized groups of people in extremely different contexts. again, i do not know.

these are such huge issues. it would be inaccurate to forgo sharing some of them on my blog, as they indisputably color my experience. i have no answers, however and have arrived at very few conclusions. the conclusions i have made my way to are these:

-adjusting the expectations i have for my time here, for the impact i want to have, my effectiveness, the relationships, the progress, the schedules, you name it is something i must do daily. daily. it sounds silly, elementary (like DUH!) but this is such a crucial element to my survival here, and i suspect for other volunteers as well.

-i do not know what integration is, or how to measure it, but i have started counting the number of hellos i get when i walk around my town. maybe this is a quantifiable figure to ease the anxiety of my mind? i think that someday, i will set a number to hit in one day, and when i hit that number, presto! INTEGRATED! (ridiculous, right? but the intersection of integration and bureaucracy requires this kind of thinking on some level or other)

-i will go and sit at the cafe every single day reading my book or studying the language, alone, as a way to integrate and will not feel ineffective because of it.

-i will relentlessly harass (ahem... kindly) the adults at the municipality, who originally expressed interest in an english course, and then were too busy to show up when i began sessions. maybe i will just start holding class, hoping that over time people will trickle in. or, even better!, i will make banana bread as an incentive and then start offering trips to england ( a somewhat preposterous suggestion made by another volunteer...on second thought, i probably won't actually do that).

-from a good friend here: "whoever said that time flies has never spent a summer in (this country)." i whole-heartedly agree.


if anyone has answers or a tangible definition of integration that does not involve a flip chart, send those thoughts my way.

for now, i will search for the inner peace that so often accompanies me, but has proven to be so elusive in this setting. i expect time will provide more answers than any other avenue, but gosh time is dragging on. the minutes are eating me alive.

what an unexpected challenge.

i appreciate the support you have all given me and continue to do as i shuffle through the myriad of forces knocking at my door every day. i know that i may never be able to fully articulate this struggle, one of the deepest i have endured, but your undying encouragement is ever so important to me.

so, thanks =)

when people ask me what this experience has been like so far, my mind is inevitably overtaken by this single pervasive thought:

"completely backwards from what i thought it would be, i mean who would have guessed i would have the whole summer absolutely
free and that i would be complaining about it? maybe i should THANK the peace corps for this incredible break."

p.s. thanks, too, for reading my 'work-through-my-thoughts' post. this is a surprisingly effective outlet for me to think 'aloud' in a place where i rarely speak english.