as an inexperienced disciplinarian (and teacher), i am left to wonder, then, about all the practices, routines, and rules of disciplining that i am unaware of.
currently, i find i am stuck in the center of a scarcely discernible discipline structure. and i am not always sure of what to think, or of which methods to employ when and with whom, or how to express my desire to learn.
and when you have three 7th grade students smacking each other in the face in your classroom, you begin to wonder. when you send one of them to buy you candy at the store and they return and continue fighting, you become discouraged. when you've created a healthy tolerance to fist fighting in general, you think...something's off. when you ask a tardy student to put out their cigarette because they're in your classroom and their response is to blow smoke in your face and then throw the cigarette your way, you think...
"what am i doing wrong here?"
which of my posted rules (and there are but four of them) do i go after first? do i hound the student for "being late", do i start with the fact that the student isn't listening to me (as in "listen to the teacher") or do i tell the student that smoking in class does not qualify as "taking part in class".
i am in a bit over my head, i'd say. i have quite a bit to learn yet.
and see, when there is no effective discipline system in place, there is, of course, no large subsequent host of options to work with. no fast, easy, simple way to learn how to maneuver such settings assertively. in fact, the options are really limited.
i could, potentially, leave class and find the elderly security dude who would then work his way up to my third floor classroom in time for the bell to ring and class to be over.
or, i could leave class to grab the director only to find that she's watching someone else's class and is no where to be found. or i could try and send the student out of class (which is technically not allowed here).
i could tell my counterpart. or the classroom teacher for the particularly troublesome bunch. or return to find the director in between classes and attempt to explain in another language what it is like to have a cigarette thrown at me.
but at the end of the day, there is not a whole lot to be done. except to say that well, the students are the minority and they don't want to study and they're not really even people (i heard that one last week over coffee). and, yep, i'm still an inexperienced teacher and disciplinarian.
**why does it always fall back to the argument of who we're teaching (or aren't teaching) instead of how can we help them?**
(...the idealism is ever oozing from this skull of mine...)
i think that discipline becomes a style of management and things of this nature take time, of course. but what tricks are there for me to learn here? and when you're so bummed, speechless, uncertain, angry, aghast and just...*tired* how do you continue to focus on "how do i help them?"
so, i return to my lovely apartment and begin rebuilding my spirit for the next day.
there isn't much preparation (read: warning) in the way of spirit devastation/reparation and, gosh am i learning about how tough it is to rekindle a light spirit in a place that is just so so dark.
little warning is given in advance on the inevitable (or seeming) degradation of spirit and idealism and that post-collegiate "i can conquer the world"-ism. though, i suppose it is all part of the learning process, the breaking-down-of-benevolent-grassroots-development process.
this is a tired topic amongst volunteers, to be sure. but i think it is important to document here. my normal predilection for positivity and optimism is squashed a bit in telling these things, but then this is the learning process i've embarked on. the whole picture of it, the entirety of my experience, the good and the just plain rotten.
i suppose i will not measure my days with silly upswings and curvy, oscillating patterns of a graph any longer. it seems that i may not be the best judge of where i sit on the curve at any given moment. and anyhow, teaching is not exactly, uh, consistent.
nevertheless, this process is underway, regardless of my current location on any slithery curve. and i am grateful for the process it is turning out to be, really i am.
detachment from these tribulations will come, even as i battle my tendency to fume, to obsess--to repeatedly replay each shocking moment in my mind until i can make sense of it.
in the meantime, i will look forward to the next pleasant day. i think i'm about due.
“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” ~Og Mandino
october 2005, tuscon, arizona
1 comment:
I think that blaming the students for the lack of a positive learning environment is attractive to a lot of teachers because it relieves them of responsibility. If they decide that Roma kids are bad and that's the end of the discussion, then they can hardly blame themselves for being inadequate teachers. It means they don't feel obligated to find ways to get through to kids if they've decided that it's a hopeless measure. More than racism, I think it's an excuse for a lot of people to be lazy and guilt-free.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like you're really in a tough school to work with. Especially for us volunteers with waning (yet still somewhat present) post-collegiate optimism.
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