a blessing

distracted by an unusually positive sense of hope and a simultaneous bout of self-consciousness at having learned i would only be team-teaching next year, i stormed out the front door of the school with an unbridled sense of freedom. free for the rest of the day. free from my 9th graders. free from inna's 'hot' blasting from impossibly expensive cell phones. free from any negative outcomes of our latest inspection that quelled my arts and crafts activity yesterday afternoon because it was rousing the students in a manner that was 'too loud.'

just as i was celebrating all these mini-victories in my head-- quite a few for one day-- i looked up to find myself walking right into a colossal fist fight. boys, primarily boys i had not ever seen before mingled with some from the 9th grade, beating the absolute crap out of one another. i looked down and away with a sudden jolt of anxiety. pools flowed into dispersed streams of bright red blood. the rain pattering on my glasses further blurred my vision as i yanked my head back up and kept walking by, silently panicking at my utter uselessness. what would i do? call the director? call the police? say something. no. no. and no.

someone with more foresight and a better grasp of the language under pressure stumbled across the entanglement. i walked to what felt like a safe distance from the crowd and watched as the scene unfolded. after a while, one police car arrived only to spew out two fairly nonchalant officers, clearly annoyed to be in charge of this mess. by this time, groups had parted and were beginning to disband in alternate directions and i noticed one of the more capable 9th grade boys emerge from the center, his face stained with blood dripping down from a wound on his forehead.

and, in that moment, i thought that i should give the universe more credit because it finally hit me. a point pounded into my head with the force of a thousands hammers. i am in no way capable of managing these 9th grade students; negotiating the complexities of these students' behavioral problems really should not be a job i have to do alone.

*sigh of relief*

it will be a blessing to teach with the other teachers next year. i no longer feel shame in this admission. it is not surrender to accept that i cannot handle these boys on my own. indeed, it is a wise and welcome decision. my ego can just get over the 'you're not good enough' reel that is on repeat in my head.

my sanity will be grateful in the end.