enthusiastic failure?

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -unknown.

not too long ago i wrote about gergana, my energetic and bright little english student. i wrote about how pleasant it was for me to spend time teaching her. about how much i gained from the experience and about how truly successful i felt in my efforts exerted with her.

yesterday, i didn't hear her sweet knock on my door, making this the second week that gergana has failed to show. hoping to find an excuse for her absence, i headed to her baba's apartment looking for her there. i found nothing.

ivan is another student i tutor privately. his level of english is truly remarkable. he expressed interest in taking the TOEFL exam this summer in hopes of applying for schools outside of this town and this country.

for weeks now, we've been studying essay structures, glancing frequently at the guide to TOEFL essay preparation. he's been learning to formulate an opinion he can back up, to think in a way that isn't taught here, to write an essay that isn't a page of his opinionated ramblings. two weeks ago, he wrote his first whole essay about how the internet has changed personal interactions.

so much progress was being made. he was enthusiastic and energized about the upcoming test. he was getting caught up to his peers, all of whom are taking specific courses in larger towns for TOEFL prep.

and then today, something went wrong. an argument with another teacher and then, the director, left him sapped of the confidence we had been slowly building in him. i do not know what was said amongst them. i never will.

but, today he came to me and told me he no longer was planning to take the TOEFL test. in fact, he said, he no longer cared to meet or practice essay-writing. he is done. devoid of any small amount of hope, enthusiasm or belief in a world outside of this small place.



so here i find myself. sitting in my apartment with a new computer given to me by the school, but without textbooks for my classes. here i find myself trying to make sense of things that just do not make sense. here i find myself struggling to instill and then to cultivate the tiniest amount of hope in these two bright students. here i find myself without the ability to keep them coming back. without the ability to make them want to learn, to seek out more for themselves. here i find myself searching, hoping, praying i can find a way to maintain enthusiasm in a remarkably unenthusiastic place.

what, exactly, does that look like?

i get to leave. they don't. and i can't adequately foster hope in either of them, no matter how young, that the world is more than this small, oppressive place.

if you're someone who has ever encouraged me, supported me or helped me cultivate my sense of ambition and freedom- and you read this blog- i would like to extend a thank you to you. i had no idea how incredibly important it is to have encouragement coming at you from family, friends, teachers, or community members until i arrived here.