there's no place like "home"

good grief i am impatient and unsettled today. i have much to do and a list of things i "should" be doing that is staring me down as i sit here huddled in my cement home under my electric blanket. it is friday which means i do not have classes to teach and i am thrilled about it. if only i could get myself to focus on being here instead of worrying about the months ahead of me and how i'm going to shoo them by as quickly as possible.

this is probably an odd thing to admit, but i feel like i'm behind. a year and a half in bulgaria under my belt and i feel like i should be on my way to bigger and better things. some (not many) of my friends are moving on to bigger and better things stateside and i want nothing more than my chance to dive in head first. what's the rush?, you think to yourself. an excellent question, friends.

i do not have an answer. really, i should be enjoying these last 9 months instead of fretting away the time concentrating on what my life is going to look like next summer. another friend and fellow blogger wrote she could feel life here stirring underneath the surface (yea, paraphrased... she said it better here) and i certainly can't argue that i feel that same tug of life yanking at me. i can taste the end of this craziness and long for the stability and responsibility of undertaking an officially "adult life." because, living here and working here, while exotic and different, doesn't give me a satisfying sense of responsibility. having an end in sight doesn't add to the arduous task of getting myself to settle down here long enough to do something and then move on. the frustration and excitement of feeling a new sense of life back in the states is seeping into my experience here; my inability to neatly compartmentalize bulgaria in a plastic container far removed from life upon return to the states is... well, aggravating.

so, i think a lot. and i ramble in my head and in journals that are incoherent at best. and i muster what i can to "be here" when i'm not settled into the nook of my quiet and cold apartment. i am, in fact, pleased to be in this new town; it is a gift i know i wouldn't appreciate so well had i not been elsewhere simply surviving all last yet. but, i am a stewer (it's a word now) and i am stewing. i need something to snap me out of it though i haven't met that certain miraculous 'thing' yet.

and while i sit here planning my future life, perusing job portals and filling in the appropriate personal information to get balls rolling, i wonder to myself...

why am i just SO anxious to get out of here?

why can't i simply learn to soak in each moment for what it is?

when will i learn that planning for the future is one of the most futile of all tasks-- one that leads to my inevitable despair as expectations turn out to be altered or just not met?

what do i do when i return and feel all sorts of nostalgic and sad about no longer being in bulgaria (bleck, is that even going to happen? i cannot even fathom it now...though i'm sure it will).

i'm not even miserable here anymore, so someone pinch me and wake me the hell up. i need a good slap on the head to encourage an increasingly "live in the present" approach to my numbered days in bulgaria. they're numbered now, though i couldn't tell you the exact number left, and it finally feels like a count down, at least of months, is an appropriate coping mechanism.


will someone remind me that i'm not missing out, that i'm not so far behind in planning my life and my bank accounts and building credit and finding a decent job back in the states? will someone reassure me that homesickness is actually a really exquisite symbol of all the cherished and wonderful things i left behind rather than an empty and desperate feeling shoving me into crazy spells of frenzied job/apartment/car hunts on craigslist at 12:30am?

that'd be awesome. thanks.

elation!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*she does a little jig to celebrate*

first day of school down and OH MY GOD it's going to be SUCH a better year. my enthusiasm here may strike some as odd, but after coming out of a hell of a year, HALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEELLLLLLUJAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i have teachers who help me, teachers who speak to me in english, students who speak enough english i NEVER- no NEVER- have to speak in bulgarian. i am teaching 4th graders this year and they, at least for the first day, are like brainy little squeezable sponges ready to soak up all of my knowledge and craziness. they at least don't look at me like i am nuts when i ask them to do arts and crafts with me.

i cannot convey just how warm and tingly i feel inside- the elation is killing me.

shaun- the students miss you. but, because of you, i get a second chance at this experience in bulgaria and thus, do not know whether it is more appropriate to say thank you or i miss you or the people here adored you and you prepped them well for me.

what a better year it's going to be! i can't wait to share some of the good things with you, dear readers, instead of marking all of the harrowing, god-awful, i will not make it another day in this country days on my calendar and in long, tedious and dreary blogposts. maybe this year, i'll have oodles of GOOD things to remember. i'm sure on the lookout for them.

here's to a second experience!

thoughts

i removed my post titled 'on racism.'

i do not claim to be a moral authority on racial issues in eastern europe. this blog is and has always been a place for me to reflect on what is going on around me in this unfamiliar environment i've adopted as a temporary "home."

the last thing i want is to occupy a place of moral standing from which emanate reflections and words some may deem alienating, self-righteous or offensive. i simply seek to explore ways to discuss, analyze, process, and understand (to the best of my human ability) how to operate and live in an imperfect world as a conscious and respectful participant and ally. clearly, i've not yet garnished success in this regard.

to the anonymous reader who commented on my post, thank you for sharing your opinion. i long for a world in which differences in opinion can be expressed openly and be received fully, even when a complete understanding of a perspective cannot be achieved.

i suppose i should review the format of this blog, as removing the post suggests i do not wish to partake in any sort of further discussion; the truth is: i do wish to partake in such discussions, however not in this space. thus, i will use discretion and caution in further postings on social and cultural observations and, perhaps, will not continue noting them. i do not wish this blog to be offensive, nor do i wish to bring additional attention to it.

thank you to all of you for reading it and for keeping me on my toes about sensitive and very real issues that i write about.

gratitude bursting from the seams

i dedicate this blog post to the family, friends, kindred spirits and people far away who have sent me packages, comics, puzzles, letters, books, marshmallows and a million other things to keep me going.

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH! there simply are not words to convey my gratitude. i am elated to receive your gifts and find peace in the familiarity they provide...especially on days like today when i'm reaaaaaaaaalllly homesick. this week, alone, i received these goodies:

i am so happy to share that things are finally looking up and that a year of fighting an uphill battle has brought me to a place where good things are starting to blossom.

i am thrilled to share them with you all soon. thank you, for you all helped me survive to this point and your kindness deserves more than this measly blog post. just know that, thanks to you all, i'm sleeping on soft fitted sheets, munching on familiar snacks, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows, smelling better and better every day, and reading some truly amazing books.

i am touched, and grateful to all of you. thank you. =)

morsels of gratitude

(photo taken by st. 2009).

today, i am grateful for these 5 things:

1. dry weather
2. starbursts (thank you Nancy!)
3. ethereal music
4. skype (no matter how moody it can be)
5. positive, smiling faces at school this morning



**i have begun another blog that can be found here. the idea was stolen from commentary i read on an interesting blog about "some schmuck" who was once on oprah sharing their idea to start a 'gratitude journal.' i am taking many actions to ensure this year turns out to be a different mental exercise than last year, and thus, have decided to start my own gratitude journal. it is to serve as a simple reminder of all the things i have to show grace and gratitude for in my life. enjoy!**