spring

nothing could be ugly on a day as beautiful as today in bulgaria.

i spent the day riding a train back from a conference earlier this week. when i passed andrea's old village en route home, i gazed upon the green green hills rolling into the mountains punctuated by small caps of snow in awe and felt nothing but silent joy. the wounded artery of a road leading from her train station to the town center was not so desolate or miserable looking today. the blue skies and sunshine erased the awful feeling of having walked that road in the snow and cold just a few months ago.

life felt so light and joyful today.

i am grateful i am leaving this place- this often cold and grey and miserable place- in the spring when it's hard to feel anything but cheer and gratitude.

i am grateful i gave myself this time to stay, to struggle and reap the benefits of having worked so hard not to succumb to the cold.

i am almost done. and i will remember the beauty, the sunshine, the lush green rolling hills more than any of the darkness.

i couldn't say that until today.

sitting with me

there are still days when i forget to put on great music, sip tea, do that which comforts me and enjoy the process of just being present with me. not many, but some.

i evolve even now and change with the passing days. i am still not my own best friend. i am not always kind to myself. however, i sat with myself every single day these (nearly) two years and if nothing else, i have gotten to know me well. good or bad, i was there for me when the ups and downs were blowing through the days and months.

today, i realize that many people never get the chance to sit alone long enough to get to know themselves inside and out.

and there's this sneaking suspicion creeping up on me that someday...far away from bulgaria... and the cold of this dead winter...

i am really going to miss me and all the time i have been afforded to sit with me and get to know me while here.

which is a slightly terrifying admission given that i'm more than ready to come home.

it's shocking that it took me this long to understand this was really about me all along, learning to just be with me, learning to simply enjoy my company. two years alone in a foreign place to learn how to sit and be present with me.

no easy task, that.

bitter rant. short in length.

what is this sick sense of satisfaction one gets when one reads a blog post written by a youth or community development volunteer who takes a break from sittin' at their desk one march week to "substitute teach" and then proceeds to gather up juicy "war stories" to prove...that teaching is hard?

welcome to the club! dobre do6li pri na6ite lydi hora! (can you even say that in bulgarian? welcome among our crazies?)

ahem. excuse the oozing bitterness. cue chariots of fire soundtrack...NOW... for this one's decided she is NEVER going to be a teacher. EVER. AGAIN.

and also to celebrate that she's gone a bit insane over here.

and to be fair, those nice cod and yd volunteers have hard jobs, too. right? right?! they have days that feel as asinine and completely frustrating as my day today was, right? oh good. i hoped so.

sigh.

edited to add: i realize this is NOT a productive post. that is why my blog is private. because i trust you all won't judge me too harshly ;)