not enough chalk for the box

i continue to carve out my spot in this sandbox of a perplexing culture. the dilemmas continue to deepen as the decidedly intricate tensions of cultural clashes and language learning bubble to the surface.

today seems like it was a noteworthy day... if i am learning anything during my time here, it is to celebrate the small victories, to bask in the glory of winning small battles after having chosen the right battles to fight.

today... i accepted that i am NEVER going to like getting up at 6am and that i will NEVER be a morning person. and that's okay. i am at peace with this and have stopped pretending i will be productive in the morning.

today... my 9th grade class went exceptionally well. we spent 90 minutes practicing one dialog comprised of "hello, my name is. what's yours...?" and other such introductory phrases. it took all of the first half to practice in pairs, and during the second half, thanks to my pop quiz, i was able to discern that they still do not know these phrases, but more than a handful of the students at least SEEMED interested. hallelujah!

today...i decided i am going to invest in a printer. i spent hours writing said pop quizzes last night by hand (18 of them) because...well it's a long story, but the atms in my town are broken and i cannot get cash to make copies, you get the idea (ya, i've had no cash for days...). i really decided this last night when my hand was about ready to detach from my arm and peace the heck out.

today...i stayed in my classroom beyond the obligatory "no-show 15 minutes" knowing none of my 10th graders would show. but, instead of leaving, i stayed- because i wanted to- to post all of my students' names on my word wall. this, folks, is one giant step forward. last week, i would have (and DID) taken off when no students arrived.

today...i learned that the roma students in my classes have never heard the word gypsy before. i have heard some roma in bulgaria call themselves gypsies so it is remarkable these students have never heard the term. i was asked twice today if there are roma people in the united states and, too, what are they called in english?

today...i started learning цигански, or romani. i am discovering that most of my students speak romani, as most of them are roma, and maybe learning a bit of it will demonstrate that i give a crap. the dialect of the language here seems to incorporate, to varying degrees, the cyrillic alphabet, so i can happily check off 'learn alphabet' on the list of how to learn romani. sweet.

today...i meditated on the process of language learning, thought long and hard about how one must really want to learn a language to actually learn it. sounds simple, right? i thought for eons about how i was able to learn the romani translation of the same dialog i gave my 9th graders in about 15 minutes. now, granted, i had individual attention, wrote it all down, felt comfortable asking them to repeat words and had a good sense of humor and confidence throughout. but, i also wanted to learn it. i am beginning to think the issue at hand is not focusing so much on teaching english, but rather on getting these students to want to learn english. because it could mean a better life for them and a way out of this pretty abysmal place.

imagine living in a place that does not invite you to think outside the box and even encourages you not to. imagine, just for a minute, living in a place you know you'll live in for most, or all of your life...not being able to comprehend the possibility of fabricating an altogether different life. and then imagine trying to find motivation to learn english when your life is entirely consumed and intertwined with these very local mindsets that have already prescribed and outlined your life in this small place. and THEN, imagine trying to motive such people who cannot find motivation on their own. at this point, i will be lucky if they learn a small morsel of the english language. i suspect i will be more successful in getting them to at least acknowledge other ways of thinking.

this is not africa. but the intellectual poverty here is striking. and if for no other reason, this makes me proud to be an american, to have this opportunity, to be able to fathom the significance of this experience. the differences here are palpable, though they take a while to uncover because you cannot see all of them.

anyway,


today...my favorite favorite favorite messenger bag was made fun of by many of students. admittedly, it is large and carries all of my clever goodies and tricks for teaching amidst this insanity. i don't care, they can make fun of my big bag all they want, i love it. i wanted to tell them it is a designer messenger bag from san fransisco that cost me $100, but it seemed superfluous and made me feel like an ass. this culture carries plastic bags.

today...i was reminded that my mother's advice was correct (not that i was ever doubtful). teaching usually does not produce consistent results: one day can be really awful horrible capital miserable while the next can be light, delightful and maybe even a bit productive. thankfully, today was one of those days.

today...and tomorrow and for the rest of the week there is a small carnival set up near the center of my town. i am not even sure why... maybe a beginning of october festival that i am tragically unaware of? i would venture a guess that most of the many many students who weren't in class today were there... and will be for the rest of the week, fancying themselves a trip or two down the big inflatable slide instead of sitting through class...

today...i opened my brand new box of chalk that i bought for myself because the school was conveniently out of it last week when i needed it most. it was supposed to be a box of all white chalk, but the last three pieces in the top row were all different colors. it was as if the factory ran out of white and said, "ah, what the heck... throw a few colored ones in there and no one will know the difference." this, folks, is the best way to describe this country: a place that trys so hard to fill their whole box with white chalk, but upon realizing its shortcomings, stuffs a few alternative, sub par and surprising substitutes in to just be done with it.

yep.

tomorrow's wednesday. and there's a new schedule. again. and i no longer get to sleep in on mondays or thursdays but my classes are spread out to a greater extent which will spare me from long long days.

it's the small victories that count. trust me.

litte running feet

i wish i could hold a massive sleepover in my tiny little abode. because then you would believe me when i told you that every night at 10:15 the little boy who lives above me goes on a mad running tirade through his domain one floor up. as i lie here attempting to drone out stress and other meandering thoughts, i laugh to myself, chuckle really, about the little naked legs and bare feet i imagine flying across the floor above me, rebellion waving its big flag behind the little body of this tiny terror.

EVERY night.


back

and

forth.


back

and

forth.


back

and

forth.

the same rhythmic pattern, the same corners he slows down to pass and the hall where he gains momentum and reaches lightning speed.

initially, i thought it was a faint soundtrack orchestrated by my building's *ahem* dated plumbing system. but, no.

i can hear him screaming with glee tonight- he's got someone on the prowl after him, their footsteps pouncing out of sync after his. he's not going to bed tonight, or any other night for that matter. and until he does, i get to listen to his surprisingly loud feet stomp around above my tired, worn out little noggin.

EDIT: moreover, a sleepover would be a wonderful excuse to see all of you wonderful people =)

gratitude

"let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." marcel proust

gratitude.

my original intention was to post bundles of relevant information, small anecdotes and frustrated babblings about the teaching experience this is turning out to be.

something inside of me will not allow it.

rather than painting this experience a jaded, biased and unfair color with too much haste, i purpose instead to mention only this:

every day i wake up swimming in clouds of gratitude. gratitude that blossoms when i think about all that i left behind to be here, that overwhelms me when some of the shyest students smile at me from behind their scared, young eyes, gratitude... for all the wonderful people in my life. gratitude, a treasure of a deeper soul search, that this experience is clearing space for my reflections on and new perspectives for my life, my space on this earth, my soul's happiness.

i would like to say to all of you who are part of my life...

thank you.

and soon, when my mind feels more objective, i will write about what teaching here is like. stay tuned.

photo: ie island, japan. august 2007.

a good giggle for those in need of giggles

well, i should be divulging all of the juicy stories about how rocky the school year has started. but instead, i would like to share this youtube clip with all of you.

now, i am not normally a big politics buff. nor am i one for supporting outright, malicious degradation of others, but this afforded me the biggest laugh i have had in two weeks.

enjoy: CLICK HERE

more cookies for dinner tonight...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

because it is raining and i cannot run outside to find my own wide open space to just scream out loud in.

Absolutely Miserable Day #1 is over and done with. it was one of THOSE days... you know what i am talking about. the variety of days that makes you want to scream out loud in a place no one can hear you.


so dear readers, you can be witnesses to my silent madness.



Note:

I was going to assemble a list of things for those kind souls wishing to send me anything, though I have to admit I don't have the list finished and cannot even find it. Here are a few things that I would really love, though:

0. Goldfish (yep, the baked, orange snacks)
1. Brown sugar, for cookies.
2. Peach Tea, brought to me by Celestial Seasonings
3. Beef jerky
4. A soft, durable, non-shedding bath towel.
5. Those cool little paper clips like the one seen below.
6. Skittles
7. Oreos
8. Teddy grahams (any flavor)

3 things, solitude

"the aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." -henry miller


a pocket of my soul opened up today. it wanted a breath of fresh air, to roam around this new place i have arrived in. an island of harmony and balance.

it has been a long road here. one long roller coaster ride after another. but i have time to pause and hop off the bumpy ride for a while and i think i will do just that. allow myself time to catch my breath, find my stomach and walk forward.

here are three things that have tumbled onto the ground in front of my feet in the form of this blog recently. i do not know this woman, but her words are signs that i am headed the right direction. and only i can know that. and if i'm headed the wrong way, well, at least i am inspired by the words of others doing this crazy blog thing.

life's little sticky notes, these signs, are welcome pauses from the chaotic, sarcastic, exasperated whirlwind of a few weeks, or a summer.

1. this poem-
The Journey

above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

painting their
black shadows
on an open sky.

sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes
of your life.

you are not leaving
you are arriving.

~ david whyte, the house of belonging, 1997

2. this lovely song

3. these words:

"sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your
aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."

-from sweet darkness by david whyte, 1992.

i am basking in peace now that my solitude and mind are befriended by such encouragement.

logistics of life be damned, i will write about all of that some other time. not much interesting to say on that anyway.

photo: sea of cortez, san carlos, mexico. january 2008.

simple joys

i am again back to my routine. yep, the routine where i squeeze every last drop, breath, inch, second, take your pick, out of summer. i figure i will keep posting since i've got all this free time on my hands...though you'll have to accept my earnest admission that these aren't the most intriguing of blogs. i know, i know. but, you'll have to deal because i've got time to talk about wacky stuff now when i may not later and that is precisely why this colossal compilation of blogs has been mounting so quickly lately.

today, this will be brief. got some sleep, so i'll say no to the sarcastic rant and share a few small joys of late:

mutant tomatoes. seriously huge, delicious, life-giving, salivation-inducing, juicy beyond belief, big as my hand, i can't believe i actually like these big red beasts, tomatoes.

i bought all of these for about a buck yesterday. does life in the produce isle get much better?


frosties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no explanation needed here.
it's amazing what an afternoon of listening to linkin park yell into your ears and eating familiar foods will do for the morale.

and of course, the obligatory sunset photo.

the sun is setting further and further left-wards from my window to the world, proof that summer is slowly dying. i have been battling a wacked sense of direction since the day i arrived because it feels like my apartment is facing west, but it's actually facing south. feel free to think i am a lunatic, but my defense is solid: as someone who relied on the mountains at home to tell where in the hell she was going half the time, this is like the chaotic feeling of being jet-lagged. you know, that feeling that you can never quite get your head on straight or properly adjust to the daily routine, except that it never dissipates? i'm utterly spastic in places where i cannot tell which direction i am facing because it totally throws off my sense of what time it is. this, of course, has more serious consequences like me wanting to eat breakfast at 4 in the afternoon, or taking an afternoon snooze at 10:30 in the morning. ya, i know...weird!.

now that this brief post has turned into an odd assortment of my weird idiosyncrasies, hope you're all doing wonderfully! teaching starts tuesday, any cool ideas for ice breakers with kids that don't speak your language? divvy 'em on out!