sofia

my head is awash in a deliberate smattering of songs coming from the tiny mp3 player on my lap. lush colors of fall blur together as my train scoots ever closer to sofia. i head to the big city for a lazy afternoon of reassembling myself, alone and anonymous. i am without a schedule and i revel in the spacious freedom of this friday.

quite unlike the previous year, my mind enjoys the luxury of aimless wander. unstructured time is spent self-replenishing, rather than merely surviving, and often directs my thoughts to a hodgepodge of musings.

the musing du jour is a disconnect i feel between bulgaria and what i characterize as "europe." i'm regularly remiss in reminding myself i do, in fact, live in europe. it's just that... well, bulgaria simply lacks that quintessential je ne sais quoi of my (admittedly) superficial "real" european characerizations. defined narrowly in the context of one "euroadventure '05," a two week rapid fire tour of (mostly) western europe (which was lovely anyhow), the strict confines of my version of europe have yet to extend their reaches to the land of the bulgs.

emanating from that trip are crisp images of jagged swiss alps and fondue-filled villages below them; pristine hillsides and impossibly blue lakes; filthy underground metros in rome and fancy water poured from mesmerizing sapphire glass bottles, haunting facades of blackened stone structures in prague; quaint buildings and colorful villages, "gas" water and gelato every 20 meters; european cars ("tent on wheels") crammed one behind the other on every street; sidewalk, in every parking lot and alley.

comparatively speaking, bulgaria is relatively devoid of such ubiquitously european denotations, almost hopelessly so . a friend who dares to explore bulgaria comments,

"in no way does it feel like europe here," when i probe for her opinion.

"is it the sidewalks? you can be honest," i offer. the sidewalks here deserve their time in the spotlight. perhaps only in bulgaria is one able to plunge one's foot into a well-disguised reservoir of filth water whilst advising a clueless friend to mind "sketchy-looking" concrete sidewalk squares, as they often lead to unexpected surprises.

"no," she continues. "it's not the sidewalks, or the food, or even the claustrophobia of sofia. it's just..." she trails off in thought.

it's just not europe, i tell myself as i silently release colorful expletives at having to march along with a wet foot.

********

i sit patiently as i am whisked off to sofia. i return to pondering my efforts to join bulgaria and europe, seeing them now to be a tactic of repressing my unassailable homesickness. while bulgaria as a whole is decidedly un-european, i conclude, sofia, in all of its quirkiness and pretentious disdain, is my primary connection; it is the most quintessentially european place available under my narrow limitations.

if you need me in the next 9 months, i will be in sofia, vacationing with my replenishing self and drowning in my music until i no longer have to endeavor to find home.

by then, i will simply have arrived there.

lost in a daydream

a list of current daydream fodder...

*warm rice huddled around an oozing bean, chicken and melted cheese and sour cream amalgamation all conveniently wrapped together for my eating pleasure and stuffed in a foil shell for the interim of time between the debit card swipe and the first savory bite... oh chipotle, you'd better still be waiting for me after all this time.

*cruising down an eight-laned monstrosity, sunroof cast open, music darting through the air, a clutch underfoot and nowhere to be.

*a weekend in vegas, including me acting as a chopstick puppeteer over a porcelain plate of raw fish and avocado, slowly sipping at my go-to "kahunaville fog drink" affectionately known for its clouds of dry ice skirting across the surface of far too much alcohol, and, not least, indulging in one of cirque du soleil's haunting and otherworldly escapes before staring down at the bellagio fountains as choreographed water dances before my tipsy eyes. i imagine that doesn't actually happen in bellagio, italy, but i'm willing to suspend my disbelief as i blow my readjustment allowance watching fancy mechanical fountains to elvis presley.

*days and weeks and months of reminding myself this really happened.

*max! my little white woof woof who barks at me on skype as if to remind me he's not forgotten me. adorable, personified.

*an abhorrently huge heaven of a bed draped with a feathery duvet and elastic, fitted sheets.

*scouring every european market within miles and miles of my stateside landing spot to secure a source of bulgarian-esque feta cheese and yoghurt for routinely scheduled consumption.

*the prospect of zero additional thought dedicated to the topics of "cultural integration" and "intentional relationship building" and actual, genuine interest in doing that because my little heart desires to.

*crawling into warm clothes fresh out of a dryer with just the faintest hint of a lavender vanilla aroma.

*and furthermore, embracing snuggly, plush towels that haven't morphed into sand paper from two cycles of: wash, rinse, air dry, repeat.

*heavy and deliberate attention focused on the subject of re-integrating into the world of long hours, entirely too friendly people, $1 bins of amazing and irresistible junk at target, alternating chick-fil-a milkshake and lemonade runs, slow customer service systems, summer dips in a legit outdoor swimming pool, bona fide margaritas and to that end, mexican food, boulder's half fast sub splendor, an afternoon in north boulder park with said splendor, gumming salt water taffy from estes park to death while in the middle of a big lake sluggishly paddle boating around, running laps around washington park and 30-minute meals on the food network.

*how many people can i squeeze in on my "she rekindles long lost friendships tour" of the states with future used car before obligatory employment robs all such liberties from me.

*knoxville, frederich maryland, northern california, portland, seattle, new orleans, new york, d.c., and of course, disney world...this being my ever growing list of tour pit stops.

*paris. my comically atrocious french. enough said.

*hugs for each and every person who kept up with me during this roller coaster ride.

there's no place like "home"

good grief i am impatient and unsettled today. i have much to do and a list of things i "should" be doing that is staring me down as i sit here huddled in my cement home under my electric blanket. it is friday which means i do not have classes to teach and i am thrilled about it. if only i could get myself to focus on being here instead of worrying about the months ahead of me and how i'm going to shoo them by as quickly as possible.

this is probably an odd thing to admit, but i feel like i'm behind. a year and a half in bulgaria under my belt and i feel like i should be on my way to bigger and better things. some (not many) of my friends are moving on to bigger and better things stateside and i want nothing more than my chance to dive in head first. what's the rush?, you think to yourself. an excellent question, friends.

i do not have an answer. really, i should be enjoying these last 9 months instead of fretting away the time concentrating on what my life is going to look like next summer. another friend and fellow blogger wrote she could feel life here stirring underneath the surface (yea, paraphrased... she said it better here) and i certainly can't argue that i feel that same tug of life yanking at me. i can taste the end of this craziness and long for the stability and responsibility of undertaking an officially "adult life." because, living here and working here, while exotic and different, doesn't give me a satisfying sense of responsibility. having an end in sight doesn't add to the arduous task of getting myself to settle down here long enough to do something and then move on. the frustration and excitement of feeling a new sense of life back in the states is seeping into my experience here; my inability to neatly compartmentalize bulgaria in a plastic container far removed from life upon return to the states is... well, aggravating.

so, i think a lot. and i ramble in my head and in journals that are incoherent at best. and i muster what i can to "be here" when i'm not settled into the nook of my quiet and cold apartment. i am, in fact, pleased to be in this new town; it is a gift i know i wouldn't appreciate so well had i not been elsewhere simply surviving all last yet. but, i am a stewer (it's a word now) and i am stewing. i need something to snap me out of it though i haven't met that certain miraculous 'thing' yet.

and while i sit here planning my future life, perusing job portals and filling in the appropriate personal information to get balls rolling, i wonder to myself...

why am i just SO anxious to get out of here?

why can't i simply learn to soak in each moment for what it is?

when will i learn that planning for the future is one of the most futile of all tasks-- one that leads to my inevitable despair as expectations turn out to be altered or just not met?

what do i do when i return and feel all sorts of nostalgic and sad about no longer being in bulgaria (bleck, is that even going to happen? i cannot even fathom it now...though i'm sure it will).

i'm not even miserable here anymore, so someone pinch me and wake me the hell up. i need a good slap on the head to encourage an increasingly "live in the present" approach to my numbered days in bulgaria. they're numbered now, though i couldn't tell you the exact number left, and it finally feels like a count down, at least of months, is an appropriate coping mechanism.


will someone remind me that i'm not missing out, that i'm not so far behind in planning my life and my bank accounts and building credit and finding a decent job back in the states? will someone reassure me that homesickness is actually a really exquisite symbol of all the cherished and wonderful things i left behind rather than an empty and desperate feeling shoving me into crazy spells of frenzied job/apartment/car hunts on craigslist at 12:30am?

that'd be awesome. thanks.

elation!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*she does a little jig to celebrate*

first day of school down and OH MY GOD it's going to be SUCH a better year. my enthusiasm here may strike some as odd, but after coming out of a hell of a year, HALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEELLLLLLUJAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i have teachers who help me, teachers who speak to me in english, students who speak enough english i NEVER- no NEVER- have to speak in bulgarian. i am teaching 4th graders this year and they, at least for the first day, are like brainy little squeezable sponges ready to soak up all of my knowledge and craziness. they at least don't look at me like i am nuts when i ask them to do arts and crafts with me.

i cannot convey just how warm and tingly i feel inside- the elation is killing me.

shaun- the students miss you. but, because of you, i get a second chance at this experience in bulgaria and thus, do not know whether it is more appropriate to say thank you or i miss you or the people here adored you and you prepped them well for me.

what a better year it's going to be! i can't wait to share some of the good things with you, dear readers, instead of marking all of the harrowing, god-awful, i will not make it another day in this country days on my calendar and in long, tedious and dreary blogposts. maybe this year, i'll have oodles of GOOD things to remember. i'm sure on the lookout for them.

here's to a second experience!

thoughts

i removed my post titled 'on racism.'

i do not claim to be a moral authority on racial issues in eastern europe. this blog is and has always been a place for me to reflect on what is going on around me in this unfamiliar environment i've adopted as a temporary "home."

the last thing i want is to occupy a place of moral standing from which emanate reflections and words some may deem alienating, self-righteous or offensive. i simply seek to explore ways to discuss, analyze, process, and understand (to the best of my human ability) how to operate and live in an imperfect world as a conscious and respectful participant and ally. clearly, i've not yet garnished success in this regard.

to the anonymous reader who commented on my post, thank you for sharing your opinion. i long for a world in which differences in opinion can be expressed openly and be received fully, even when a complete understanding of a perspective cannot be achieved.

i suppose i should review the format of this blog, as removing the post suggests i do not wish to partake in any sort of further discussion; the truth is: i do wish to partake in such discussions, however not in this space. thus, i will use discretion and caution in further postings on social and cultural observations and, perhaps, will not continue noting them. i do not wish this blog to be offensive, nor do i wish to bring additional attention to it.

thank you to all of you for reading it and for keeping me on my toes about sensitive and very real issues that i write about.

gratitude bursting from the seams

i dedicate this blog post to the family, friends, kindred spirits and people far away who have sent me packages, comics, puzzles, letters, books, marshmallows and a million other things to keep me going.

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH! there simply are not words to convey my gratitude. i am elated to receive your gifts and find peace in the familiarity they provide...especially on days like today when i'm reaaaaaaaaalllly homesick. this week, alone, i received these goodies:

i am so happy to share that things are finally looking up and that a year of fighting an uphill battle has brought me to a place where good things are starting to blossom.

i am thrilled to share them with you all soon. thank you, for you all helped me survive to this point and your kindness deserves more than this measly blog post. just know that, thanks to you all, i'm sleeping on soft fitted sheets, munching on familiar snacks, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows, smelling better and better every day, and reading some truly amazing books.

i am touched, and grateful to all of you. thank you. =)

morsels of gratitude

(photo taken by st. 2009).

today, i am grateful for these 5 things:

1. dry weather
2. starbursts (thank you Nancy!)
3. ethereal music
4. skype (no matter how moody it can be)
5. positive, smiling faces at school this morning



**i have begun another blog that can be found here. the idea was stolen from commentary i read on an interesting blog about "some schmuck" who was once on oprah sharing their idea to start a 'gratitude journal.' i am taking many actions to ensure this year turns out to be a different mental exercise than last year, and thus, have decided to start my own gratitude journal. it is to serve as a simple reminder of all the things i have to show grace and gratitude for in my life. enjoy!**