breathe in. breathe out. dive.

i am a creature susceptible to paranoia,
expectations,
and a general aptness
towards procrastinating,
which only further complicates
the first two conditions.

i must manage each carefully,
i'm learning.

it is sunday evening.
the beginning of a new week.
a night usually bloated with dread,
fear,
paranoia,
expectations,
procrastination.

but,
tonight, with my lessons already planned and
my mind
pleasantly at ease, i pause
to reflect on the weekend before
diving into tomorrow.

i can count the number of times i left my apartment this weekend on
two fingers. yes.
two fingers.

it was, to say the least,
blissful.

it was a weekend full of sleep. lots of it. glorious, healing, restorative sleep.

it was a weekend of
deliciously warm squash soup (courtesy of this site though i added garlic, and roasted the vegetables),
pumpkin bread,
and sunlit afternoons of peach tea from home.

it was a weekend largely comprised of solitude
and silence. a weekend of avoiding my notorious neighbor
who stopped by several times, knocking
only to find an 'empty,' quiet place.

it was a weekend that gave me space to embrace my desperate need to sit with me. to allow myself to be right where i am,
to accept that i am doing the best i am capable of.
it was a weekend to let go of "i should be doing's"
and "i'm not integrated's".

it was a weekend where i granted myself a full reprieve from the task of 'integrating,' assuring myself
there is much time for that later on (1 year and 9 months time).
now, this weekend,
this october,
is the necessary moment for me
to find me and to embrace that me.
to witness the metamorphosis
of me as i blossom in this uncertainty, or,
on most days,
at least breathe with it,
accept it and
walk alongside it.
all cares otherwise postponed.

it was a weekend that allowed me to trump many of my fears about teaching.
there are so many left,
so many little demons poking up,
fear oozing out of them, but this
weekend, i grasped a firm grip of control
over these fears, the dread,
the angst and the general confusion about teaching i've been living with.
this isn't the end of them, no.
but, for now
i feel confident i won't wake up tonight,
at 1 am
and again at 4:30am,
my mind consciously counting the hours,
even in my sleep,
until i have to teach tomorrow.

it was a weekend
that afforded me the opportunity to talk to my parents.
to share some of these things, but mostly
to hear their familiar voices and
to absorb every encouraging word.
to be thankful for them and to bask in their support of me.



it was a restorative,
plentiful weekend. in a way that only quiet
and solemn weekends can be.

i have been here six months and i feel infinitely more grounded and cemented to this challenging experience while acknowledging the daily process of managing my expectations, my procrastination and my fears.

some pictures from plovdiv and beyond...
the reason why people in other buildings get my mail...i do not even have a box.
my classroom
butternut squashes for days...

look closely at the red hair coming at ya from the right...