a meaningful path

(july 2008. greece. taken by st.)

in coming to terms with the reality of this experience as it relates to any and all expectations i might have harbored last year, i've spent a lot of time thinking about the overall impacts of volunteer work abroad and my small role in it. decidedly, i'm not personally cut out to carry out this particular brand of international development work and the last year and a half has been one long exercise in accepting that and moving on with life.

i'm not sure i ever truly dedicated myself to a life of volunteer work. i don't think, at any point in time, i have ever known what it is i wanted to spend my life doing. however, i admit i have been relatively disappointed in discovering that appeasing the humanitarian in me in devoting my time to help others through grassroots efforts just isn't the path for me. 'what, then, is the path for me' i've wondered? is my perception of who i am as a person devastated because i do not radiate with warm fuzzies here? when hopes of 'helping people' completely depleted because one way of rescuing the world isn't working, then what?

i'd love to find answers to these questions. i'd love to feel like returning to the states and finding a government job will give me satisfaction i cannot fathom. yet, i remain skeptical. i remain unconvinced that i will find meaningful work that still allows me to live a comfortable life. how do we value work and what makes work meaningful?

i recently stumbled across a book titled Hardcore Zen(Warner) which (from the bits of it i have read) winds itself around this topic. Brad Warner posits the most important goal an individual can strive to achieve is living a moral and ethical life. solving all of the world's problems, he argues, is a business in which many of his friends have devoted and lost themselves to with little success.

"...Some of my best friends are people who've made it their business to try to solve all the world's ills-- and God love 'em for it. Most people think this kind of behavior is the most intensely moral thing anyone could engage in... For years and years I labored under the impression that people like this were really 'doing something' while I was just sitting around staring at walls or contemplating my navel lint. But is what they do what it really means to be moral? When you decide that helping feed homeless transgender crack addicts to the baby whales-- or whatever-- is somehow more worthy than helping your mom clean the dead squirrel out of the gutters, that's when you get in to trouble. It's not that 'worthy' causes aren't worth pursuing-- of course they are. It's that all too often our image of 'worthy' causes completely obscures the stuff right under our noses-- and that's the stuff that needs our attention, right here and right now" (p. 147).

i have not read his entire book. and while i am fascinated by his argument that one begins to improve the world by cleaning their toilets more often...

"Actually, though, the tiniest bit of good you do makes the world a better place for everyone. Cleaning those weird orange stains of unknown origin off the toilet isn't solely going to bring about lasting peace in the Middle East, but it helps. It really does" (p. 148).


(to which i offer: AMEN BROTHER)

...i probably won't read it. in the end, it doesn't matter. i'm not crazy about making my life more 'zen' anyhow.

i am, however, crazy about finding a path in life that obliges the little voice inside of me that reminds me the world isn't just about me. it would seem i've come here and spent more time in me than really checked into this experience, and in some respects, i am grateful for that. it has been nothing if not one hell of an opportunity to learn oodles about me.

i suppose Warner would argue that achieving some state of zen requires simply just being where you are and when you are, present always in the moment and fully aware of what a gift it is to be so conscious. embarking on repeated expeditions to chisel out my future path is proving to be a fruitless endeavor. in some ways, then, i am surrendering to what i have learned about "meaningful work" and "worthy causes" and trusting that i'll end up just where i need to be when all is said and done.

easier said than done. for now, i'll just work on being grateful every single day for what i have. after all, real morality, Warner offers, "encompasses every thing you do every minute of every day..." and generally doing what one does as well as best they possibly can.




thus, this year's goal to a meaningful path: bring peace into to the world first by bringing it into my own body and mind.