speak your truth.

one thing i will never forget about winter in bulgaria is the smoke.

smoke invades every available pocket of space during the long, cold winter months here.

sitting in cafes is next to impossible.

stepping foot outside my block building on cold weekday mornings leaves me thoroughly drenched in eau de burning wood by the time i've hit the school building.

opening my door this evening to check the temperature for the briefest of moments, smoke poured into my little home and i can smell it still- in my hair, on my sleeve, trapped in my nose.



i can't seem to sleep tonight. spring arrived for a day this weekend and it was the loveliest i've felt in months. i'm sad to report its departure and will pray ferociously that it doesn't snow tonight.


there isn't much to say of late. well, at least not anything positive or worth reading, or anything clever and insightful, succinct and honest about how/where/who i am now. most days, i can scarcely work out the complex web of gratitude and anger, longing and stubborn will, banality and exhaustion oozing around inside me. so i won't try; these things aren't coming out in words. they're erupting, instead, in overwhelming bouts of emotion and stress, unbelievable exhaustion, and perpetual illness. i suppose i would rather not say anything than rely on language and words to describe this feeling. words prove to be infuriating in their limited way of conceptualizing "this".

i will allow for:
1) my favorite bulgarian holiday is approaching- baba marta day, march 1
2) i feel defeated by the winter and hope for spring's arrival
3) i feel ready to come home




i replayed the words below from "Desiderata" in my head this evening while lying stretched out across the heated floors of my kitchen. as far as where i'm mentally at, words do little to illuminate this awkward, distant space i'm in. however, these two excerpts resonate deeply right now.

good night, all.

from: Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

...
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.