there's no place like "home"

good grief i am impatient and unsettled today. i have much to do and a list of things i "should" be doing that is staring me down as i sit here huddled in my cement home under my electric blanket. it is friday which means i do not have classes to teach and i am thrilled about it. if only i could get myself to focus on being here instead of worrying about the months ahead of me and how i'm going to shoo them by as quickly as possible.

this is probably an odd thing to admit, but i feel like i'm behind. a year and a half in bulgaria under my belt and i feel like i should be on my way to bigger and better things. some (not many) of my friends are moving on to bigger and better things stateside and i want nothing more than my chance to dive in head first. what's the rush?, you think to yourself. an excellent question, friends.

i do not have an answer. really, i should be enjoying these last 9 months instead of fretting away the time concentrating on what my life is going to look like next summer. another friend and fellow blogger wrote she could feel life here stirring underneath the surface (yea, paraphrased... she said it better here) and i certainly can't argue that i feel that same tug of life yanking at me. i can taste the end of this craziness and long for the stability and responsibility of undertaking an officially "adult life." because, living here and working here, while exotic and different, doesn't give me a satisfying sense of responsibility. having an end in sight doesn't add to the arduous task of getting myself to settle down here long enough to do something and then move on. the frustration and excitement of feeling a new sense of life back in the states is seeping into my experience here; my inability to neatly compartmentalize bulgaria in a plastic container far removed from life upon return to the states is... well, aggravating.

so, i think a lot. and i ramble in my head and in journals that are incoherent at best. and i muster what i can to "be here" when i'm not settled into the nook of my quiet and cold apartment. i am, in fact, pleased to be in this new town; it is a gift i know i wouldn't appreciate so well had i not been elsewhere simply surviving all last yet. but, i am a stewer (it's a word now) and i am stewing. i need something to snap me out of it though i haven't met that certain miraculous 'thing' yet.

and while i sit here planning my future life, perusing job portals and filling in the appropriate personal information to get balls rolling, i wonder to myself...

why am i just SO anxious to get out of here?

why can't i simply learn to soak in each moment for what it is?

when will i learn that planning for the future is one of the most futile of all tasks-- one that leads to my inevitable despair as expectations turn out to be altered or just not met?

what do i do when i return and feel all sorts of nostalgic and sad about no longer being in bulgaria (bleck, is that even going to happen? i cannot even fathom it now...though i'm sure it will).

i'm not even miserable here anymore, so someone pinch me and wake me the hell up. i need a good slap on the head to encourage an increasingly "live in the present" approach to my numbered days in bulgaria. they're numbered now, though i couldn't tell you the exact number left, and it finally feels like a count down, at least of months, is an appropriate coping mechanism.


will someone remind me that i'm not missing out, that i'm not so far behind in planning my life and my bank accounts and building credit and finding a decent job back in the states? will someone reassure me that homesickness is actually a really exquisite symbol of all the cherished and wonderful things i left behind rather than an empty and desperate feeling shoving me into crazy spells of frenzied job/apartment/car hunts on craigslist at 12:30am?

that'd be awesome. thanks.

elation!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*she does a little jig to celebrate*

first day of school down and OH MY GOD it's going to be SUCH a better year. my enthusiasm here may strike some as odd, but after coming out of a hell of a year, HALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEELLLLLLUJAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i have teachers who help me, teachers who speak to me in english, students who speak enough english i NEVER- no NEVER- have to speak in bulgarian. i am teaching 4th graders this year and they, at least for the first day, are like brainy little squeezable sponges ready to soak up all of my knowledge and craziness. they at least don't look at me like i am nuts when i ask them to do arts and crafts with me.

i cannot convey just how warm and tingly i feel inside- the elation is killing me.

shaun- the students miss you. but, because of you, i get a second chance at this experience in bulgaria and thus, do not know whether it is more appropriate to say thank you or i miss you or the people here adored you and you prepped them well for me.

what a better year it's going to be! i can't wait to share some of the good things with you, dear readers, instead of marking all of the harrowing, god-awful, i will not make it another day in this country days on my calendar and in long, tedious and dreary blogposts. maybe this year, i'll have oodles of GOOD things to remember. i'm sure on the lookout for them.

here's to a second experience!

thoughts

i removed my post titled 'on racism.'

i do not claim to be a moral authority on racial issues in eastern europe. this blog is and has always been a place for me to reflect on what is going on around me in this unfamiliar environment i've adopted as a temporary "home."

the last thing i want is to occupy a place of moral standing from which emanate reflections and words some may deem alienating, self-righteous or offensive. i simply seek to explore ways to discuss, analyze, process, and understand (to the best of my human ability) how to operate and live in an imperfect world as a conscious and respectful participant and ally. clearly, i've not yet garnished success in this regard.

to the anonymous reader who commented on my post, thank you for sharing your opinion. i long for a world in which differences in opinion can be expressed openly and be received fully, even when a complete understanding of a perspective cannot be achieved.

i suppose i should review the format of this blog, as removing the post suggests i do not wish to partake in any sort of further discussion; the truth is: i do wish to partake in such discussions, however not in this space. thus, i will use discretion and caution in further postings on social and cultural observations and, perhaps, will not continue noting them. i do not wish this blog to be offensive, nor do i wish to bring additional attention to it.

thank you to all of you for reading it and for keeping me on my toes about sensitive and very real issues that i write about.

gratitude bursting from the seams

i dedicate this blog post to the family, friends, kindred spirits and people far away who have sent me packages, comics, puzzles, letters, books, marshmallows and a million other things to keep me going.

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH! there simply are not words to convey my gratitude. i am elated to receive your gifts and find peace in the familiarity they provide...especially on days like today when i'm reaaaaaaaaalllly homesick. this week, alone, i received these goodies:

i am so happy to share that things are finally looking up and that a year of fighting an uphill battle has brought me to a place where good things are starting to blossom.

i am thrilled to share them with you all soon. thank you, for you all helped me survive to this point and your kindness deserves more than this measly blog post. just know that, thanks to you all, i'm sleeping on soft fitted sheets, munching on familiar snacks, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows, smelling better and better every day, and reading some truly amazing books.

i am touched, and grateful to all of you. thank you. =)

morsels of gratitude

(photo taken by st. 2009).

today, i am grateful for these 5 things:

1. dry weather
2. starbursts (thank you Nancy!)
3. ethereal music
4. skype (no matter how moody it can be)
5. positive, smiling faces at school this morning



**i have begun another blog that can be found here. the idea was stolen from commentary i read on an interesting blog about "some schmuck" who was once on oprah sharing their idea to start a 'gratitude journal.' i am taking many actions to ensure this year turns out to be a different mental exercise than last year, and thus, have decided to start my own gratitude journal. it is to serve as a simple reminder of all the things i have to show grace and gratitude for in my life. enjoy!**

a meaningful path

(july 2008. greece. taken by st.)

in coming to terms with the reality of this experience as it relates to any and all expectations i might have harbored last year, i've spent a lot of time thinking about the overall impacts of volunteer work abroad and my small role in it. decidedly, i'm not personally cut out to carry out this particular brand of international development work and the last year and a half has been one long exercise in accepting that and moving on with life.

i'm not sure i ever truly dedicated myself to a life of volunteer work. i don't think, at any point in time, i have ever known what it is i wanted to spend my life doing. however, i admit i have been relatively disappointed in discovering that appeasing the humanitarian in me in devoting my time to help others through grassroots efforts just isn't the path for me. 'what, then, is the path for me' i've wondered? is my perception of who i am as a person devastated because i do not radiate with warm fuzzies here? when hopes of 'helping people' completely depleted because one way of rescuing the world isn't working, then what?

i'd love to find answers to these questions. i'd love to feel like returning to the states and finding a government job will give me satisfaction i cannot fathom. yet, i remain skeptical. i remain unconvinced that i will find meaningful work that still allows me to live a comfortable life. how do we value work and what makes work meaningful?

i recently stumbled across a book titled Hardcore Zen(Warner) which (from the bits of it i have read) winds itself around this topic. Brad Warner posits the most important goal an individual can strive to achieve is living a moral and ethical life. solving all of the world's problems, he argues, is a business in which many of his friends have devoted and lost themselves to with little success.

"...Some of my best friends are people who've made it their business to try to solve all the world's ills-- and God love 'em for it. Most people think this kind of behavior is the most intensely moral thing anyone could engage in... For years and years I labored under the impression that people like this were really 'doing something' while I was just sitting around staring at walls or contemplating my navel lint. But is what they do what it really means to be moral? When you decide that helping feed homeless transgender crack addicts to the baby whales-- or whatever-- is somehow more worthy than helping your mom clean the dead squirrel out of the gutters, that's when you get in to trouble. It's not that 'worthy' causes aren't worth pursuing-- of course they are. It's that all too often our image of 'worthy' causes completely obscures the stuff right under our noses-- and that's the stuff that needs our attention, right here and right now" (p. 147).

i have not read his entire book. and while i am fascinated by his argument that one begins to improve the world by cleaning their toilets more often...

"Actually, though, the tiniest bit of good you do makes the world a better place for everyone. Cleaning those weird orange stains of unknown origin off the toilet isn't solely going to bring about lasting peace in the Middle East, but it helps. It really does" (p. 148).


(to which i offer: AMEN BROTHER)

...i probably won't read it. in the end, it doesn't matter. i'm not crazy about making my life more 'zen' anyhow.

i am, however, crazy about finding a path in life that obliges the little voice inside of me that reminds me the world isn't just about me. it would seem i've come here and spent more time in me than really checked into this experience, and in some respects, i am grateful for that. it has been nothing if not one hell of an opportunity to learn oodles about me.

i suppose Warner would argue that achieving some state of zen requires simply just being where you are and when you are, present always in the moment and fully aware of what a gift it is to be so conscious. embarking on repeated expeditions to chisel out my future path is proving to be a fruitless endeavor. in some ways, then, i am surrendering to what i have learned about "meaningful work" and "worthy causes" and trusting that i'll end up just where i need to be when all is said and done.

easier said than done. for now, i'll just work on being grateful every single day for what i have. after all, real morality, Warner offers, "encompasses every thing you do every minute of every day..." and generally doing what one does as well as best they possibly can.




thus, this year's goal to a meaningful path: bring peace into to the world first by bringing it into my own body and mind.

a new place

well. it would seem i am behind in my blog posts.

for all who haven't heard, i've relocated. life in the new town is good. reflection on last year and all of the junk i've managed to accumulate emotionally and mentally has commenced. i suppose that wading through the repercussions of any experience takes time, though i know i still do not fully understand just how challenging last year actually was. all in time.

i want to post a few pictures in lieu of writing anything more for the time being.

i am so grateful and fortunate to have had the support of so many during these past few months. thank you all-- you know you who are-- for allowing me to vent, process, cry, complain, explode, share with you.
the new abode:






more soon, i promise =)